Positively Negative: Experiencing God By Being Skeptical

For me, as a Christian,  there is no area in my life where I feel more misunderstood than when it comes to my skeptical interpretation of claims of the divine experience.  I guess in some sense, I am a discerning cynic. But are we not asked to test the spirits? Are we  not supposed to be discerning?

There are just a lot of things that I hear that I can’t whole heartedly believe in when it comes to experiences of the Divine. I often listen and think, “Perhaps”. Yet, at the same time, I think there is a way of being, “positively negative” and perhaps still find God by choosing not to believe everything I hear.  And, I am especially skeptical of what I might experience and “hear” in my own heart.

Do I believe God can do anything? Yes.

But do I believe God does everything and anything in a way that I can experience it and be aware of it?  I don’t think so. But by being “positively negative”,  I am keeping the doors of my heart open for something that is truly divine even if that experience is to be found in the purity of silence.  

How Well Adjusted Are We? Do Not Conform, But Be Transformed.

I have often wondered what such a truly transformed individual would look like. What would someone look like and act and be who did not conform but truly was transformed by the renewing of the mind (Romans 12:1). What would such an individual feel as he related to the world and went about his business?   

Would he appear what we often describe as being “centered”, “balanced,” and well integrated?  Would he mingle well, makes friends easily and be likable by many people?  Would he be able to discuss a variety of topics? Would he be a cultured man? Would he be the popular easy going, positive and happy guy?

Well, if you are like me you may not feel very good at being “normal”. Yet, I find some comfort in pondering how C.S. Lewis described Jesus,  He says, “He was not at all like the psychologist’s picture of the integrated, balanced, adjusted, happily married, employed, popular citizen. You really can’t be very well adjusted to your world if it says you have a devil and ends by nailing you up naked to a stake of wood.” 

But, while I am not very good at being “normal” I am also not very  good at being transformed. .

Finding Your Place In the World, Or, Is the World Finding It's Place In You

I still find C.S. Lewis’ book, “The Screwtape Letters”, to provide rich insight into the Christian life. In this book a head devil named Screwtape instructs a younger devil, Wormwood, in the ways of tempting a Christian by trying to get him to be fully comfortable and engaged in the world.

Listen to Screwtapes’ instruction to Wormwood on why and how he can use the Christian’s success and engagement in the world for their cause, “If the middle years prove prosperous, our position is even stronger. Prosperity knits a man to the world. He feels that he is ‘finding his place in it,’ while really it is finding its place in him. His increasing reputation, his widening circle of acquaintances, his sense of importance, the growing pressure of absorbing and agreeable work, build up in him a sense of being really at home on Earth which is just what we want.” 

Screwtape then goes on to say what the enemy (which, from the perspective of the devil  is God), really wants, “The truth is that the Enemy, having oddly destined these mere animals to life in His own eternal world, has guarded them pretty effectively from the danger of feeling at home anywhere else.”

This is interesting.  C.S. Lewis suggests that God actively guards us from feeling too much at home anywhere because the devil is actually wanting us to find our place in the world.  And we remain unaware that  the world is finding its place in us.  The devil wants us to feel comfortable. He wants us to increase our reputation and our widening circle of acquaintances.  He wants us to feel important. In essence the devil wants the Christian to have a sense of being really at home on Earth.

What is truly insidious about this approach is that few people would dare to even  question the value of prosperity, reputation, a widening circle of friends, self importance, engaging work and feeling at home (especially if we achieve these things by Christian ethics).  Are these not worthy goals?  Should we not feel comfortable with our life and our place in this world?  Are we not supposed to find our little niche?. So, what is the concern?  

I don’t think the issue here is about Christians making strict rules of conduct for living in the world. Such rules usually only back fire and make things worse. Even if we could follow a strict set of rules for behavior we would be missing a deeper and more important  question.  And that question is: "To whom do I really belong" ?

I would suggest that as a starting place we should pay attention to where we honestly feel we belong and where we do not. If we really find our selves rather apathetic in regard to our prosperity, reputation, having a widening circle of friends and feeling important, then perhaps there is good reason for this inner experience.  Such an experience may be one of the most valid pieces of evidence that God is actually transforming us and guarding us and really has destined us to live in eternity rather than in the world.

Could ones present discontent, (often viewed by the world as strange) actually be an indication of where and to whom one belongs?

If you would like to dialogue with me on this topic, you may email me at suragea1@aol.com or post on this blog.

It Is Time: Beginnings and Endings in Fly Fishing

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

“Lord, it is time, thy summer was very big”. Rilke .

December 9^th, 2012- I awaken to 4 inches of snow on my deck and it is still snowing. A beautiful white world gradually lightens up as morning tries to dawn. Temperature: Ten degrees. Finally, an ending to what has felt like a perpetual summer of warm (and often hot) weather. A summer of fires, drought, and skinny waters.  Finally, snow.

For me, it is time for an ending, the ending of the fly fishing season. Oh, I know I can still fish and do quite well in the tail waters. But, there is some thing that feels appropriate to hang up the rod and do other things. “Lord, it is time.”  It is time to do other things. I can ski on the snow that will refill our rivers. Time to tie flies and read poetry by the wood stove. A time to turn inward.

I like beginnings and endings and the time in-between. This is a time to give fly fishing a rest.  This is a time for healing and revival. And perhaps most of all, a time of rest and recovery for the fish in our quality tail waters such as below Cheesman, Eleven Mile, and Pueblo reservoirs that have endured a tremendous amount of fishing pressure. “Lord, it is time, thy summer was very big”.

If there is an ending then there can be a new beginning. There is something special about the ritual of “opening day” of trout fishing. I grew up back east where there was an opening day.  The first day of trout fishing was a big event that signified the ending of winter and the coming of spring.  For the most part in Colorado we really do not have an opening day of trout fishing, (with the exception of a few places such Spinney Mountain Reservoir).  But I can still create my own ritual that is based on my own sense of time, seasons and events. This morning’s snowfall which has been the most substantial drop of snow so far and the coldest temperatures is a good ending point for me.

And after a time of rest,  I look forward “with boldness” to opening day even if I do not know when that will be.

For now, it is the time of winter. “Ah there is winter… the earth’s mysterious turning-within. Where around the dead in the pure receding of sap, boldness is gathered, the boldness of future spring times.” (Rilke)

Finally, if we learn to give the fish a rest, they too will return with a new boldness. Let us help one another give the fish this season of rest.  Lord, we know it is time.

We Are Not Seeing The Whole Thing: "Nothing Is In It's True Form"

Sometimes while guiding I will spot a big fish and try to show it to those I might be guiding. I often get excited saying, “Its huge, can you see it”.  If the client is a beginner he will understandably often have a difficult time seeing the fish or at the very least not see the whole fish and misjudge its size.

I have learned from experience that often the biggest fish, particularly Brown Trout, will have an uncanny ability to not reveal their true size. They have an amazing ability to lay low, blend in, and remain concealed. I might even say to my clients while sight casting to a big Brown, “You are not seeing its true size; trust me, this thing is 25 plus inches; so get ready.  If you hook this fish all hell is going to break lose”.

I also tend to think a lot of life is this way. I often get that feeling that I am not seeing the whole thing. I get the feeling that “nothing is in its true form”, as CS Lewis once said, and that,  “We live among mere shadows and broken images”.

This “not seeing” would include not only the fish we stalk, but even the rocks along the river, the fishermen we meet on the river; and all of nature. We see “dimly as through a glass”.  I get the sense that we cannot even see ourselves accurately.  We cannot clearly know and feel how “alone” we are in this world.

In C.S. Lewis’  fantasy story called Perelandra, a human, by the name of Ransom, is on another planet that has not “fallen”. Ransom’s experiences on this planet are strange.  Toward the end of the book he finally meets the first man and woman of this planet, the king and queen, un-fallen creatures. Ransom, like us on earth, has never truly seen a man or a woman in their true form. He lies on the ground before the king and queen saying,

“I have never before seen a man or a woman. I have lived my whole life among shadows and broken images. Oh my father and mother … Do not move. My own father and mother I have never seen. Take me for your son. We have been alone in my world for a great time.”

Perhaps we too are alone. We are alone because no one is in their true form. We too have never seen a true person.  It has been a long time and our loneliness is great even to experience our own true selves and what we truly long for.