Fishing the Edges and Living the Edges: South Platte River Fly Fishing Guide Speaks From the Edge

“The sky puts on the darkening blue coat

held for it by a row of ancient trees,

You watch: and the land grows distant in your sight;

One journeying to heaven, one that falls;

And leave you, not at home in either one”                                                             

                                              Rilke

When I look back at my own life story I realize there are some recurring themes. One of these themes is the feeling of always being on the outside of some edge not quite belonging. Over the years I have tried to make spiritual sense of this feeling. As the poetic lines above figuratively suggest there is often a feeling that part of my life journeys toward heaven and another part falls to Earth, yet I am not sure I belong to either.

In looking back when I was a kid and first learned to fly fish I realize how from the beginning I was living on the ‘outside’ of the mainstream social current. I was lingering on an edge. It was here where I crossed over an edge and entered into the realm of nature, where I taught myself to fly fish. Once I moved out of the main current, I passed through a threshold; a short trail through the woods that led me to a pond. For several years I remained on the ‘outside’ of the mainstream social current perhaps belonging more at the pond than anywhere else. But even as I learned to fly fish more changes would occur, and then it was time for another threshold to pass through.

The next edge came during my high school years. Once again, the mainstream social current would not work for me or appeal to me. In New Jersey, there was a lot of drug abuse back in the late 70’s, yet, I knew with conviction that the drug culture was where I would not dwell.  Once again, I separated myself and lived on a different edge of trying to become a state champion wrestler. As a consequence I trained long hours away from the mainstream current, training morning and night, running  for miles and miles, lifting weights,  and drilling moves and wrestling daily. I trained virtually every day, often twice a day,  all year, for most of my high school years and then in the college years to come, I would remain on this outer edge chasing after holy grails.  

I tend to be very skeptical, (and of even myself), when claims are made of how God causes certain things to happen. Yet, as sure as I can be of anything on this earth, I do believe that God did bring some people in my life that would change me. In my high school years I met some wonderful young men including my best friend Marty who was a Christian and often spoke to me about the Bible. It was in the Bible where I read about Jesus, a man who lived an extraordinary life to say the least, and who lived on the edge. I identified with him as a man who was most often outside the mainstream current even as he tried to bring people to a new way of life. But I sadly learned, “They esteemed him not”.

While fly fishing over the last several decades I learned there were parallels between my personal spiritual life and fly fishing rivers. And once again the theme of edges would present itself. I had learned the secret of fly fishing the edges in a river. I learned to pay attention to seam lines where two different currents border each other. Often a seam line forms from currents merging with two different speeds or depths. I learned how fish love to spend time on these edges because it is the best of both worlds to a trout. I learned that casting to these edges had to be accurate (within inches) and required persistence.  

During these decades of my adult life I would continue to feel on an edge of sorts never quite belonging to the various groups of people I became a part of; organizations, work places and even churches. I do not mean to belittle the meaningful individual relationships I have made over the years. I truly value these friendships. But overall, when it came to “systems” of people I most often did not feel at home. I still often feel this way.

It is only recently that I am finally feeling more at home living on the edge. In many ways,  I still do not  feel engaged in the mainstream current.  Nor do I feel a part of the mainstream Christian current and at the same time I feel disconnected from secular institutions and causes.  Once again, I am somewhere, ”inbetween”,  part of me journeying to heaven, part of me that falls.

I do not feel like I am on the inside of either world  but perhaps as Richard Rohr states it, I am,  “On  the edge of the inside”. To Rohr this edge is a holy, sacred place, a “thin place”.  He describes it as a prophetic place, not a rebellious or antisocial one. Hearing such a perspective helps me and makes me appreciate those wonderful connections that I do have.

I am also learning that this place on the edge is a place where I can be very discerning and see things as they should be seen, with out bias. If the mainstream current is not feeding me or paying me or sustaining me emotionally, then truth does not have to be compromised.

For me, it seems that if I experience God at all, it is on this edge. This edge is where Jesus walked and where his spirit dwells even now. As a poet said, “The edge is what I have”. (Roetheke)

If you find your self on this edge, I invite you to dialogue with me on this blog or at suragea1@aol.com