There is an existential choice that I try initiate within
myself and I try to proclaim again and
again. Quite simply, I try to say to
life, to God, ‘I am here.’ If I can say
‘I am here,’ I acknowledge my existence.
If I exist then a certain peculiar responsibility comes with that existence,
the steps I take into the world, and the words I speak. I am responsible during
the specific moments of time for my existence and the choices I make as opposed
to being ‘checked out,’ and numb.
If I make this declaration then I can become more aware of
how I am responsible for my life even when it seems that humanity ignores me,
or I ignore humanity and I live in isolation. I can declare my
existence even when it feels as though nothing matters or my life does not
matter. These can be challenging times to believe in my existence and the
meaning of my life.
However, if during these difficult times, I can spend some
time out in nature, casting on a river, I can some times find connection, a sense of flow
and belonging. For me, it is while fly-fishing, that I can best proclaim my
existence to the Earth and the creation even when I feel alone, insignificant
as if no one even knows my name. As the poet says,
“And if the earthly no longer know your name, whisper to the
silent earth I’m flowing; to the flashing waters say, I am” (Rilke).
I can whisper to the silent Earth that I am here. I can say
to the flashing waters, I am. To say
that I exist means I carry a certain weight; however slight, that leaves
wandering footsteps along the banks of rivers. As I fish, I may not see any other footsteps
in the mud nor meet anyone I know. I cast and drift in the flowing waters.
The
fish might swim away from me in fear as I cast, ignore me for hours but sometimes
one fish drawn to my fly enters my world and I connect. I connect to the fish and watch it propel
itself in the flashing waters as I contemplate my existence and place in the
world; their world.
Within the flashing waters of the silent Earth, I might dare
to proclaim; I am, and know I exist as a small part of the creation.
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