Positively Negative: Experiencing God By Being Skeptical

For me, as a Christian,  there is no area in my life where I feel more misunderstood than when it comes to my skeptical interpretation of claims of the divine experience.  I guess in some sense, I am a discerning cynic. But are we not asked to test the spirits? Are we  not supposed to be discerning?

There are just a lot of things that I hear that I can’t whole heartedly believe in when it comes to experiences of the Divine. I often listen and think, “Perhaps”. Yet, at the same time, I think there is a way of being, “positively negative” and perhaps still find God by choosing not to believe everything I hear.  And, I am especially skeptical of what I might experience and “hear” in my own heart.

Do I believe God can do anything? Yes.

But do I believe God does everything and anything in a way that I can experience it and be aware of it?  I don’t think so. But by being “positively negative”,  I am keeping the doors of my heart open for something that is truly divine even if that experience is to be found in the purity of silence.  

How Well Adjusted Are We? Do Not Conform, But Be Transformed.

I have often wondered what such a truly transformed individual would look like. What would someone look like and act and be who did not conform but truly was transformed by the renewing of the mind (Romans 12:1). What would such an individual feel as he related to the world and went about his business?   

Would he appear what we often describe as being “centered”, “balanced,” and well integrated?  Would he mingle well, makes friends easily and be likable by many people?  Would he be able to discuss a variety of topics? Would he be a cultured man? Would he be the popular easy going, positive and happy guy?

Well, if you are like me you may not feel very good at being “normal”. Yet, I find some comfort in pondering how C.S. Lewis described Jesus,  He says, “He was not at all like the psychologist’s picture of the integrated, balanced, adjusted, happily married, employed, popular citizen. You really can’t be very well adjusted to your world if it says you have a devil and ends by nailing you up naked to a stake of wood.” 

But, while I am not very good at being “normal” I am also not very  good at being transformed. .

Finding Your Place In the World, Or, Is the World Finding It's Place In You

I still find C.S. Lewis’ book, “The Screwtape Letters”, to provide rich insight into the Christian life. In this book a head devil named Screwtape instructs a younger devil, Wormwood, in the ways of tempting a Christian by trying to get him to be fully comfortable and engaged in the world.

Listen to Screwtapes’ instruction to Wormwood on why and how he can use the Christian’s success and engagement in the world for their cause, “If the middle years prove prosperous, our position is even stronger. Prosperity knits a man to the world. He feels that he is ‘finding his place in it,’ while really it is finding its place in him. His increasing reputation, his widening circle of acquaintances, his sense of importance, the growing pressure of absorbing and agreeable work, build up in him a sense of being really at home on Earth which is just what we want.” 

Screwtape then goes on to say what the enemy (which, from the perspective of the devil  is God), really wants, “The truth is that the Enemy, having oddly destined these mere animals to life in His own eternal world, has guarded them pretty effectively from the danger of feeling at home anywhere else.”

This is interesting.  C.S. Lewis suggests that God actively guards us from feeling too much at home anywhere because the devil is actually wanting us to find our place in the world.  And we remain unaware that  the world is finding its place in us.  The devil wants us to feel comfortable. He wants us to increase our reputation and our widening circle of acquaintances.  He wants us to feel important. In essence the devil wants the Christian to have a sense of being really at home on Earth.

What is truly insidious about this approach is that few people would dare to even  question the value of prosperity, reputation, a widening circle of friends, self importance, engaging work and feeling at home (especially if we achieve these things by Christian ethics).  Are these not worthy goals?  Should we not feel comfortable with our life and our place in this world?  Are we not supposed to find our little niche?. So, what is the concern?  

I don’t think the issue here is about Christians making strict rules of conduct for living in the world. Such rules usually only back fire and make things worse. Even if we could follow a strict set of rules for behavior we would be missing a deeper and more important  question.  And that question is: "To whom do I really belong" ?

I would suggest that as a starting place we should pay attention to where we honestly feel we belong and where we do not. If we really find our selves rather apathetic in regard to our prosperity, reputation, having a widening circle of friends and feeling important, then perhaps there is good reason for this inner experience.  Such an experience may be one of the most valid pieces of evidence that God is actually transforming us and guarding us and really has destined us to live in eternity rather than in the world.

Could ones present discontent, (often viewed by the world as strange) actually be an indication of where and to whom one belongs?

If you would like to dialogue with me on this topic, you may email me at suragea1@aol.com or post on this blog.

It Is Time: Beginnings and Endings in Fly Fishing

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

“Lord, it is time, thy summer was very big”. Rilke .

December 9^th, 2012- I awaken to 4 inches of snow on my deck and it is still snowing. A beautiful white world gradually lightens up as morning tries to dawn. Temperature: Ten degrees. Finally, an ending to what has felt like a perpetual summer of warm (and often hot) weather. A summer of fires, drought, and skinny waters.  Finally, snow.

For me, it is time for an ending, the ending of the fly fishing season. Oh, I know I can still fish and do quite well in the tail waters. But, there is some thing that feels appropriate to hang up the rod and do other things. “Lord, it is time.”  It is time to do other things. I can ski on the snow that will refill our rivers. Time to tie flies and read poetry by the wood stove. A time to turn inward.

I like beginnings and endings and the time in-between. This is a time to give fly fishing a rest.  This is a time for healing and revival. And perhaps most of all, a time of rest and recovery for the fish in our quality tail waters such as below Cheesman, Eleven Mile, and Pueblo reservoirs that have endured a tremendous amount of fishing pressure. “Lord, it is time, thy summer was very big”.

If there is an ending then there can be a new beginning. There is something special about the ritual of “opening day” of trout fishing. I grew up back east where there was an opening day.  The first day of trout fishing was a big event that signified the ending of winter and the coming of spring.  For the most part in Colorado we really do not have an opening day of trout fishing, (with the exception of a few places such Spinney Mountain Reservoir).  But I can still create my own ritual that is based on my own sense of time, seasons and events. This morning’s snowfall which has been the most substantial drop of snow so far and the coldest temperatures is a good ending point for me.

And after a time of rest,  I look forward “with boldness” to opening day even if I do not know when that will be.

For now, it is the time of winter. “Ah there is winter… the earth’s mysterious turning-within. Where around the dead in the pure receding of sap, boldness is gathered, the boldness of future spring times.” (Rilke)

Finally, if we learn to give the fish a rest, they too will return with a new boldness. Let us help one another give the fish this season of rest.  Lord, we know it is time.

We Are Not Seeing The Whole Thing: "Nothing Is In It's True Form"

Sometimes while guiding I will spot a big fish and try to show it to those I might be guiding. I often get excited saying, “Its huge, can you see it”.  If the client is a beginner he will understandably often have a difficult time seeing the fish or at the very least not see the whole fish and misjudge its size.

I have learned from experience that often the biggest fish, particularly Brown Trout, will have an uncanny ability to not reveal their true size. They have an amazing ability to lay low, blend in, and remain concealed. I might even say to my clients while sight casting to a big Brown, “You are not seeing its true size; trust me, this thing is 25 plus inches; so get ready.  If you hook this fish all hell is going to break lose”.

I also tend to think a lot of life is this way. I often get that feeling that I am not seeing the whole thing. I get the feeling that “nothing is in its true form”, as CS Lewis once said, and that,  “We live among mere shadows and broken images”.

This “not seeing” would include not only the fish we stalk, but even the rocks along the river, the fishermen we meet on the river; and all of nature. We see “dimly as through a glass”.  I get the sense that we cannot even see ourselves accurately.  We cannot clearly know and feel how “alone” we are in this world.

In C.S. Lewis’  fantasy story called Perelandra, a human, by the name of Ransom, is on another planet that has not “fallen”. Ransom’s experiences on this planet are strange.  Toward the end of the book he finally meets the first man and woman of this planet, the king and queen, un-fallen creatures. Ransom, like us on earth, has never truly seen a man or a woman in their true form. He lies on the ground before the king and queen saying,

“I have never before seen a man or a woman. I have lived my whole life among shadows and broken images. Oh my father and mother … Do not move. My own father and mother I have never seen. Take me for your son. We have been alone in my world for a great time.”

Perhaps we too are alone. We are alone because no one is in their true form. We too have never seen a true person.  It has been a long time and our loneliness is great even to experience our own true selves and what we truly long for. 

When Fish and Some Other Important Things Elude Us

Some things still elude me.

One would think that after 5o plus years of spending the holidays together with family, (such as the Thanksgiving that just past), I would find such a time together as fun, easy and meaningful. I tend to think of family time together as being the way I picture it being in my mind before stepping on the plane.

But, most often it is not. Things are not as they should be.

In, “A River Runs Through It”, Normam Maclean states it this way, “It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us.” No doubt Norman Maclean wrote these words thinking of his brother with whom he could not communicate when it came to discussing the most important issues. When I read those words, I also think of those family members I love but seldom communicate the way we should.

I do not offer any advice for such matters.  I am just sharing this simple fact and wonder if there is anyone else out there who often, or at least at times, feels the same way.

And how was the bass fishing in Florida?  Well, those large mouth Bass that I usually find quite easy to catch and should know how to catch, they too, eluded me.

What is Our Day to Day Experience of Living in the World?

This is a question I have pondered for decades. I do wonder if we really are “not of this world”,  even as He is not of this world, (and I believe those words to be true), then what is our day to day experience as we  try to engage in life. My thought is that we would have an on going awareness (however slight at times, yet persistent), that we are from somewhere else and that we are merely strangers and aliens living in a foreign land. It seems to me that we would most often have some level of “disconnect”, even as we try to connect.

My main interest at this time is not to discuss morality. I am not interested in bickering over what we should do and what we should not do but rather my focus is on the inner experience. I keep asking, “What do I truly feel as I live each day”?  I wonder what others feel?  I know many understand this piece of theology but does our day to day experience support it.

I think of lines from a poem by William Stafford. The poem’s opening lines presents the dilemma of being somewhat disoriented in the world.

“If you were exchanged in the cradle , and your mother died and you don’t know who your father is, and no one told you the story of what happened….” 

Perhaps, metaphorically,  part of that story is that we are orphans in the world.  And when the trials come in the form of wind and rain we feel outside the crowds of people.

“And when the great wind comes and the robberies of the rain and you stand on the corner shivering and you watch the people go by and you wonder at their calm.”

I know I often do this. I watch people. They seem more connected to each other than I am. “I wonder at their calm”, their apparent easiness.

And as I watch these people and feel disconnected I also realize that they, “miss the whisper then runs every day in my mind”.

And that whisper is a question I ask myself, “Who are you really wanderer?”

“And the answer I have to give no matter how cold and dark and dreary the world around me is,  maybe I’m a king”.

Now, I know I am not a king. But I do know there is some divine royalty in my blood  and that just might be why I can’t quite belong and feel at home.  

Considering Other Explanations for the Faith Experience

My own faith is sometimes strengthened by not dismissing other rational options for why I believe as I do.

I consider the possibility that my faith might simply be wishful thinking on my own part. Maybe it is simply a defense mechanism. Maybe life seems too harsh to not believe in something beyond myself.

Or maybe when I think I feel God, it is simply the good feeling I get from seeing a beautiful sunrise or from any other pleasant experience and it has nothing to do with what we call “God”. What  I feel as “God” is merely my projection.

Or maybe when I look at life events and it seems like they have occurred in some divine sequence and for some divine reason,  I have to be open to the possibility that the events were simply random.

Or maybe I have to be open to the possibility that I am delusional. 

There is a wonderful scene in the movie “Contact”.   Judy Foster plays the role of a scientist (Ellie) who has studied and wondered her whole life about other life in the universe. At the climax of the movie she finds herself being questioned by a panel of investigators and scientists as she tries to hold on to a wild experience of having gone on a journey to the center of the galaxy where she encountered something that was beyond her.  But her story just does not make any rational sense and “strains credibility” as she is questioned. She is asked:

“So, is it possible that it just did not happen ?  She replies, “Yes, I must concede that, as a scientist, I must volunteer that.” (Those at the hearing gasp at her honesty to admit that this whole story may not have taken place).

“So, you admit that you do not have a shred of evidence for your story and that it may just have been a hallucination ?  She again, replies firmly, “Yes”.

“And you realize that if you were in our shoes you would be just as skeptical?  She again completely agrees, “Yes.

After these responses the investigator becomes furious demanding she withdraw her testimony of having experienced some other world,  He yells, “Then why don’t you with draw your testimony and concede that this journey to the center of the galaxy never took place”? 

With tears she passionately responds, “Because I can’t. I had an experience I can’t prove let alone even explain. But everything I know as a human being tells me it was real. Everything that I am tells me it was real. I was given something wonderful that has changed me forever”.

For me, this honest response and consideration of challenging my own experiences of the divine, is a process that can lead me to a deeper and more genuine faith. I have to concede to the possibility that my experiences of the divine could have been nothing but a delusion. There is the very real possibility that events I credit to the divine can be nothing more than my own wishful thinking.  But,  I know that by considering the possibility of other explanations for my faith experiences I am remaining authentic and without a "personal agenda", to prove something to others or myself.   If I have to ignore certain obvious facts and other possible explanations and basically lie to myself then my faith cannot be very strong or have much integrity to it.

But when I am asked by others (or even by myself)  to take back my whole life story and experience and concede to the argument that  it never happened,  like Jody Foster, I  too have to say, “I can’t”.  I can concede to the foolishness of my faith but I cannot say it never happened. I also have to say, “Everything I know as a human being tells me it was real; every thing I am tells me it was real. I was given something wonderful that has changed me forever”.

To me this is being authentic. I can be open to other possibilities and explanations for my faith experience but that also most definitely  includes the possibility that some  thing wonderful and divine did actually take place  And I too know that  I cannot go against “everything I am inside” in order to not believe.

For that would be the greatest act of close mindedness.

Fine Fall Day on Pueblo's Arkansas River Tailwater

How rich am I to have daughters who actually want to spend time with me enjoying a day out fly fishing on Pueblo's Arkansas River tail-water? It was such a beautiful warm fall day and I was able to even wet wade. We all talked about how wonderful it is to get outside (as opposed to sitting around the house), waiting for the work or school week to begin again on Monday.

In spite of recent bad fishing reports we found the  fishing to be good today as we hooked up with a good number of rainbows and a few browns on copper johns and RS2's. There was one VERY LARGE brown that we almost landed but that is a story for another day.

To My knees: For A Big Brown

Few things bring me to my knees. I am careful in what I bow down to.

But when I saw a 25 inch Brown Trout with a caped jaw cruising the shallows just a few feet off the bank, I went down to my knees so I would not be seen.

The cast would be short but challenging given the sensitivity of a large Brown in shallow clear water. I could clearly see the fish moving along the bank occasionally sipping in a midge. There was no time to re-rig. My chewed up, 'cut and pasted',  leader would have to do.  No time to plan or practice cast.  I had to make a gentle and accurate cast with what I already had tied on to my 5x fluorocarbon tippet. The first fly was a size 18 copper john and the bottom fly was a size 22 gray RS2.  Why not, I thought?  I have to go with what I have on.

I thought of the old Iron John tale where by the soon to be hero decided to go to battle in the last hour. There was no time to prepare. All he had was a lame donkey. It could only hobble at best. But, he went. He acted.  He had to go with what he had.

I too acted with my lame leader and rusty casting skills. But I scored a bull’s eye as I hit the target exactly in front of the moving fish. He opened his jaws to the tiny RS2. I lifted and the Brown exploded with powerful surges straining the 5x tippet.  Back and forth we wrestled.  I was careful to not put too much pressure on the tiny hook or fine tippet.  I finally emerged the “victor", even with a "lame" hook and  leader. And, even with I, a somewhat lame fly fisherman.   

Dream Stream Fly Fishing Report 10/27/2012 "Pulling Teeth"

What was the fishing like today when I guided 2 dentists and a 5^th grader on the dream stream ?  Like pulling teeth.  Well, it was not that bad, but a bit painful on our hands.  

We fished right below the dam just above the upper parking lot. Conditions were tough with a cold steady wind making it challenging to not tangle up leaders. Flows were low and clear. Fish were picky.  But this small group of hardy fly fishers managed to catch some respectable fish and had some spurts of action that made the day quite successful. Between this group of three they landed about 15 fish.  The best flies were an apricot colored egg pattern, a size 18 red copper john and a size 22 black beauty midge.

The big browns for the most part were absent. Either they did not make it up this far yet or they came and gone already. The young boy did hook a respectable brown of around 19 inches but it broke off. Other than that, I did not see any big browns in the area. Of course I am aware  that there are respectable numbers of big browns downstream closer to 11 mile reservoir but I decided for this trip, I did not want to compete for water with masses of other fishermen. Having fished this section of river for the past 25 plus years I am particularly drawn to its lonely meanders.

Through out the morning, there were times when we enjoyed some solitude even as the wind tried to push our leaders back in our faces. And these fine fly fishers pulled trout from the South Platte River even if it was a bit like pulling teeth.

Skinny Waters of Pueblo's Arkansas River Tail-water is Fine for Kids

Presently, Pueblo’s Arkansas River Tailwater is flowing at 60CFS.  A trickle of skinny water.  This is not the best flow for veteran fly fishers who have experienced the fabulous fishing of this past year and even this past summer where we saw reasonable flows between 200-300CFS. Yet, this skinny water was fine for a group of 4^th and 5^th graders I took on a field trip this past Friday. The low flows are much more manageable for kids.

For the past two decades, as a teacher and counselor, I have been taking groups of kids on their first fly fishing trip. How could I not? To see a kid’s face light up as they catch their first trout on a fly is one of the most amazing experiences. And the fact that such experiences cannot be measured or assessed on some standardized test makes it all the more wonderful.

The kids managed to catch small rainbow trout by drifting a small RS2 fly in the riffles and runs. A size 22 RS2 nymph continues to be one of the most consistent fly patterns for this section of river. The kids were amazed that such a small hook could actually catch fish. 

For the most part the bigger fish eluded us. However, one 5^th grade girl was fishing in a run when suddenly her strike indicator shot up stream. She lifted the rod and was battling a good size rainbow. She respectfully listened to my instruction as she did a great job of letting the fish take out line when it surged away and yet she also kept the slack out and reeled quickly when the fish moved back upstream. Back and forth she battled the fish.  I could tell she did not really know how big the fish was as it remained below the surface during the fight. Finally, I slipped the net under the 15 inch rainbow and lifted the fish out of the water for her to see. I said, “Look at this fish you caught”!

Her face lit up. Her laughter was ecstatic, perhaps, in part, in disbelief as she observed the colorful rainbow trout in the net.  Her first fish. Her first fish caught fly fishing. The skinny waters of Pueblos Arkansas River tail-water is fine for kids and a great place for them to catch their first fish.  

Big Fish, Little Pond, Big Fish Prevail in Small Waters of Pueblo's Arkansas Tail Water

 

The big fish survived. They survived the fires, the drought, the record high temperatures and the low waters. The Arkansas River below Pueblo is a small river right now flowing at less than 50 CFS. The river is merely a series of small runs and pools. A little “pond” with big fish.

Today, Jim White and I found the fish to be quite healthy and willing.  We caught most of the fish on a size 18  red copper john nymph and a red zebra midge with a gold bead. Gray size 22 RS2’s also worked trailed behind the bead head nymphs. In the slack water, fish rose to midges and small mayflies. I carried an extra rod rigged for drys and took fish on small (size 24) parachute adams, griffiths gnats and a black parachute midge pattern.

I have mixed feelings about catching fish in low water conditions. The conditions stress the fish and for the most part the fly fisher has the advantage. First, there are limited places for the fish to hide so finding the fish is not difficult.  And then when a fish is hooked there is not much room for it to run. Usually the fly fisher can keep the fish in the pool where the fish was hooked and landing the fish easily becomes a ‘done deal’.  In some sense, the fly fisher becomes the “big fish in the small pond”.  But he becomes “big” only because the conditions are stacked in his favor. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say he is a “Small  fisherman in a small pond” similar to the individual who has made his mark in his small home town and never ventures beyond the town borders. “Big fish, small pond”.

I guess I have the same mixed feelings about stalking fish during the spawning period on our South Platte River, particularly, the “dream stream”. Big fish can be found in small waters as they often migrate out of 11 mile reservoir into shallow riffles of the South Platte. Big fish that are rarely seen during most of the year are now vulnerable.  The rainbows and cutthroats make the move from deeper waters in the spring time and the browns migrate in the fall. Some big Browns are up as I write.  I say I have mixed feelings because I love sight casting to a huge fish in a run but I also feel a bit guilty harassing these big fish as they try to “do their thing”.  I guess it just doesn’t feel all that fair. If, I and hoards of others continually make thousands of casts over a big fish in “small water”, eventually, that fish is going to get hooked; (fair or foul) not just once, but multiple times.

It’s really not that difficult or much of an accomplishment to hook a big fish in a small pond. Even a small fisherman can do it.

Maybe we can all try to get away from our small ponds and find deeper waters.

Is the Fishing Still Good In Eleven Mile Canyon?

A struggling farmer works his crops for years. One day his horse runs away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors come and sympathetically say, “Such bad luck”. The farmer replies, “Maybe”. The next morning the horse returned bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. “Maybe”, replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown off, and broke his leg. Again, the neighbors came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “maybe”,  answered the farmer. The day after, the military tried to draft young men into the army but seeing the boys leg broken, they passed by. The neighbors praised the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe” said the farmer. 

When I guide folks in Eleven Mile Canyon this time of year sometimes the client will say, “I heard Fall is the best time of year to fish so the fishing should be good right”? I usually answer, “Maybe”. This was the case of the last two weekends when I guided some groups into 11 mile canyon.

I have learned that when it comes to fly fishing many things are a “Maybe” because rarely can life be so simple and predictable. And thank God, life is this way. Fishing and the spiritual life are unpredictable, wild and untamed; beyond our control.

Sometimes while guiding and I do my usual demo casts to teach the clients proper technique, I will catch a fish on the very first cast. The clients who witness such a feat will sometimes respond, “The fishing is going to be great. This looks easy”.  Of course, I know better but I will politely reply, “Maybe”. (and, I really have seen this go either way, in terms of how good the fishing is for the clients).

Over the years I think I have experienced both the fortunate and the unfortunate of just about every possible event when it comes to fly fishing. Here are only a few of those situations.

I might be guiding and the fishing is fair and then a hatch starts to take place. The fish go crazy. The clients seeing this say, “The fishing is really going to get good now”. Once again, I  know I have to respond to such a statement with a “Perhaps”. This is because I know when the fish respond to a hatch and switch to dry flies the fishing can be way more challenging even though we see the fish gorging on the surface.

Weather conditions can go either way also. A couple of years ago I had an early morning guide trip. We were heading up the pass and it was one of those rare mornings where instead of clear blue skies it was overcast and raining. My client, did not make any assumptions but rather humbly asked how the rainy conditions would impact the fishing. Once again, from past experience, I had no choice but to respond with a set of “Maybes” , “Maybe it can shut down the trico hatch but maybe it can  turn on the blue winged mayfly hatch” ( I have found that tricos love sunshine while BWO’s love overcast). I have had great fishing on BWO’s during intense rainstorms and even snowstorms but have also seen certain types of weather shut the fishing down. I have seen wind help and not help. I have seen the fishing be both great and terrible early in the morning and or in the afternoon.

We also need to not jump to hasty conclusions even when we lose a fish. More than one time while battling a large fish and the hooked pulled out and I even heard several observers sigh, “Oh too bad, that was a big fish”. But a moment after the hook pulled out I sighted an even bigger fish, casted to it, hooked it and landed it.

One time while guiding a young person at Deckers and he was battling a 22 inch rainbow that he hooked on a brown San Juan Worm. We were stuck in a stalemate. The boy could not go further downstream due to the heavy current. I was downstream of both the boy and the fish standing there with my long handled net trying to figure out what to do. The boy put some pressure on the fish bringing it to the surface where it then started to slash its body and head back and forth. The tippet broke. The Dad who was video taping the whole thing saw the leader fly back toward the boy and his rod no longer bent yelled with disappointment, “Ah, It got away”!  The boy yelled, “I lost it” The Dad put the video recorder down.  Meanwhile, I kept my eyes on the fish that was still slashing at the surface with the San Juan worm in its jaw. The current was pushing the big fish downstream toward me as it instinctively kept trying to shake the hook. If I could have shouted something back to the boy and the father’s comment of the fish having gotten away it would have been, “Maybe or maybe not”. There was no time for yelling anything. I lunged forward and scooped up the large fish!.

I have grown to appreciate the “maybe’s” in life and I have learned to question arrogant certainties.

As far as how well the fishing has been in 11 mile canyon this Fall is a bit mixed. It can be good; Maybe.  I am still finding spots in the quality section that are having good BWO and even trico hatches. The hatches are not everywhere. They are a “maybe”. But I will say this, If you do find a hatch this time of year, maybe it will last longer into the afternoon. Or at least that is what I have seen.

The Fisher King

Often while at my work or trying to relate to people or sometimes even while fly fishing I feel weak and ineffective. In some sense, I feel like the lame and wounded “fisher king”, who is in need of healing.

During such times it is quite easy for me to think nothing of royalty, kingship and power. How powerful could I be if I can’t catch a fish or make the simplest of decisions needed through out the course of the day or how I don’t want to be bothered by anything or anyone because I feel so ineffective?

Yet, no matter how weak I feel I cannot completely forget about certain verses in the Bible that speak of being part of a “royal priesthood”. I wonder if somehow,  I am spiritually wired to know something of divine royalty even as I feel a bit crazy for even entertaining such thoughts. I laugh at myself and think, “Royalty?  Kingship?  What do you know of royalty when you feel so weak”?  But then again, as crazy as it all sounds and how contradictory my experiences might be, I cannot shake off some sense of royalty deep in my blood.

And as is often the case the poets help me. Theodore Roethke asks, “What is madness but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance”.  I wonder if that is why life feels so strange to me? Is that why I feel a bit crazy? Is my madness simply the nobility of my soul at odds with circumstance?

Williams Stafford describes how difficult and lonely life can be for the individual and particularly for one who might have a sense of royalty deep in his bones. He writes how, “When the great wind comes and the robberies of the rain leave you standing on the corner shivering”;  and how we can  “watch the people who go by and how we wonder at their calm”. And how people can, “Miss the whisper that runs any day in your mind”.

And for me, like the poet, the whisper inside my head asks me again and again, “Who are you really, wanderer?”?

“And the answer I have to give no matter how dark and cold the world around me is, maybe I’m a king.”

A wounded king in desperate need of healing.

Great Fish, Great Races

“There was once an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone 84 days without taking a fish.”

I never went 84 days with out taking a fish but it had been a while since I caught a truly great fish.  When Santiago, the old man in Hemingway’s novel of, “The Old Man and the Sea”, went fishless for 84 days it was a serious matter since he earned his living and his dinner by catching fish.

So he went farther out in the gulf than he had ever gone before and it was there that he hooked the giant marlin. After a heroic battle he caught the great fish but only for it to be eaten by sharks before he could bring it back to land. All he had was an enormous skeleton. 

Besides it being a relatively long time since I have caught a great fish it has also been a long time since I ran a truly great running race. Over the years there had been a few great races. Defining a ‘great race’ or a ‘great fish’ is difficult. I have my own criteria. For me a great race or a great fish involves something extraordinary.   But when one is 52 years old, slowing down with some nagging aches, pains and waning drive one has to consider that maybe a chance of a great race is over for me.

As I age I try to run smarter. As Santiago said, “I may be old and I may not be as strong but I know many tricks and I have resolution”. And so, I try to run smarter with better pacing. Start off slow and gradually increase the pace. I try to be determined to pour it on strong in the end and over come the competition later in the race.  

But there comes a time when it seems that even the tricks don’t work anymore. I would start off slow and yet I was never able to pick up the pace.  The competition simply ran away from me. And where was my resolution?

As I thought about great races and great fish  I thought of the Frying Pan River and the hole right below the dam. There are other places but I thought of the Frying Pan because my wife and I had a trip planned to go to Buena Vista and run in a race and then head over to Aspen and Maroon Bells to hike among the golden aspen. I thought of the big rainbows that live below the dam gorging on mysis shrimp. Maybe, a chance at a great fish?  

First, the race.  I wanted to run the half marathon which is a better race for me since it a long distance endurance event. A 5k is a better race of the young at heart who can rely on sheer speed. I don’t have much speed anymore but I do have respectable endurance.  The only problem was that the half marathon race was filled before I could register. On a whim I decided to try the 5k but my motivation of even committing to the race was weak at best.  

I know by the usual definition of the word ‘great’ I did not run a great race. I have run far faster 5k’s.  But there was something extra-ordinary about this race. First of all I flat out won the race overall which is quite rare and “extra-ordinary”  for me. Also, true to my criteria of a great race, what made it extra-ordinary was the fact that I won the race with a relatively “ordinary”  time.  It is also extraordinary that I almost did not even run the race. The night before the race I was searching for other races and so I did not bring much enthusiasm to the race. 

So, in the end I won a race that I did not  really even want to run and with not a ‘great time’ and with out great resolution.  But I do no deny that I gave it my best effort and it hurt. It is just strange. Sometimes, I notice that the more I get “geared up” for some race or fishing trip, the worse I do, and then those times when I am almost apathetic, sometimes extraordinary things happen.

And what about that great fish below the dam on the Frying Pan River?  That one really great fish?  It got away. I saw it. I saw it take my mysis shrimp pattern.  I set. The hook simply pulled out. 

But I think I will have another shot at a great fish.  Less sure about another great race.

More Than A Fine Fisherman: Seeing More With More Than The Best Polarized Sun Glasses

Toward the end of, “A River Runs Through It”, Norman Macleen and his Father have their last conversation about Paul and his death. The Reverend Maclean asks Norman one last time if he told him everything.  Norman responds, “I’ve said I’ve told you all I know.  If you push me far enough all I really know is that he was fine fishermen.”  His father says, “You know more than that, he was beautiful”.   

Paul, beautiful? While he was beautiful with a fly rod it seems he lived a rather clumsy life, reckless and selfish. Maybe we are all this way in some sense and maybe in our state of selfishness and self absorption, we can’t see the true beauty in others or ourselves. I know I often cannot see the beauty in life. I often tend to see what is ugly. I tend to make judgments declaring things as “ugly” instead of seeing the beautiful.  I am hard on myself and hard on others.

It seems that the Reverend Maclean had a better perspective on seeing the beauty of life. I am moved by how the Reverend Maclean sees Paul as beautiful. In spite of all the pain and brokenness that occurred, in the end, he sees his son as beautiful. And I think his view of his son as beautiful goes beyond a fatherly love. It goes beyond a Christian virtue.  His conclusion seems to run deeper, deeper than the river they fished.

It seems that C.S Lewis also saw things this way. He writes, “It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship….We shall be remade, and we shall find underneath a thing we have never imagined: a real man, an ageless god, a son of God, strong, radiant, wise, beautiful, and drenched in joy.”

I try to think about this when I feel weak, unnoticed, down and ineffective.  “Strong, radiant, wise, beautiful and drenched in joy.” 

I try to think of this when I am fishing or stuck in traffic and everyone seems annoying to me. I try to see, “real men, ageless gods”, something even the best polarized glasses will never help me see.  

Rest In Between Two Notes: Finding Contentment While Fly Fishing In Between Time

While fly fishing there are those drifts you make when time seems to be suspended.  There is a ‘knowing’ that something is going to happen. You can almost feel it or sense it but even these words are inadequate to describe something that lies too deep for rational thought and discussions on fly fishing technique.

Most often when I try to pray (for lack of a better word), I am not in that place of quiet flow where I sense something is going to happen.  I am out of flow. Maybe I am too rushed or chatty or too cerebral or I just don’t feel comfortable being at a quiet depth for any length of time. .

“I am not this steeply sloping hour in which you see me hurrying, much stands behind me”, said the poet Rilke. I can relate. There is a place deep inside me that moves (or is still???) at a pace that is not a frantic rushing. Yet, most of the time, I rush anyway and away from that still point.  Most often I am not in a deep still place.  Most often I am not at a pace or ‘place’ that transcends time.  

Rilke goes on and says, “I am the rest in between two notes”. Deep down, perhaps when I feel most at peace with myself, it is when I am at rest in between two notes. Maybe that resting point is a more true indication of what my soul is all about and what I am really all about, instead of all my anxious rushing about in the, “steeply sloping hour”.  I notice I am most content during those “In-between” places and moments in time or what might be called ‘down time’. It is those moments when I am sitting alone in a coffee shop doing nothing or walking a river alone looking for fish.

No matter how much I am unable to be at peace, deep down I am aware of a still point where I perceive something can happen. Perhaps God is at that still point. Perhaps He is that rest. And that is where we meet.

While we are in that place and drifting our flies in between two points in time, the time interval after the cast and before the next one, it is in this flow, this ‘down time’, that the fish takes the fly. Out of this quiet place that lies to deep for explanation or words, something happens.

Enduring Overwhelming Beauty: To Truly See A Trout in Eleven Mile Canyon

I know I don’t see things as I ought. I see “dimly as through a glass”.  If I have a weakness in regard to my “vision” it would not be my inability to sight fish or to see the fly but rather it is my inability to truly see and to deeply appreciate the beauty around me. And so today, while I was in Eleven Mile Canyon guiding, I could plainly see the trout rising to tiny tricos but I had a sense that I was missing something. I was seeing but only dimly.

I have often wondered if I truly could see the beauty of a person, a sunrise, or a single fish, that such images would overwhelm me. Perhaps my nervous system would not be able to handle it. In C.S Lewis’s fantasy book, “The Great Divorce”, a group of people  have left a bus begin to notice how different nature becomes as they make their way up the allegorical heavenly mountain. The sky becomes bigger and wider. They observe a water fall with such a thunderous roar that they conclude that if such a water fall were back on earth they would not be able to endure it. It would be too “big”. C.S Lewis writes, “A waterfall was pouring. Here once again I realized that something had happened to my senses as that they were now receiving impressions which would normally exceed their capacity. On earth such a waterfall could not have been perceived at all as a whole; It was too big. Its sound would have been a terror.”

I think of the poet Rilke who seemed to understand the power, wonder and even the terror of beauty, “Beauty is the beginning of terror… and threatens to annihilate us”.  I wonder if some things in life are so beautiful and wonderful that we cannot handle them. I think of the old scripture, “No one can see God and live”.  And again of Rilke who wrote, “Even if one angel pressed me suddenly against his heart: I would be consumed in that overwhelming existence.”

I know there have been times when I have stood looking at a river at sunrise watching mist come up off of the river and the image is so beautiful that I almost cannot endure the experience. I almost have to look away or change the channel in my head or focus on only one aspect of it all, such as trying to catch the rainbow rising on the far bank.    

I wonder if in the end if we are to ever find our way up to the heavenly mountain that we will have to be changed in order to endure such overwhelming beauty. Then I might truly be able to hear and see a river. And be able to truly see and endure the beauty of a fish.  

For now, I can still see those tiny tricos falling in Eleven Mile Canyon. I can still see fish rising to them. I never had a problem with that kind of vision.  But, I know if I truly saw even a single trico mayfly, one of the tiniest of bugs, that it has enough glory to overwhelm me and I would not endure.

How to Nymph Fish Rock Structures On Pueblo's Arkansas River Tail-water

 

I fish these structures in circles. If possible, I literally walk a circle around the structure casting and getting drifts in every direction imaginable. I fish every possible drift line.  I always encourage folks to fish these structures carefully and thoroughly. On a rich river system such as the Arkansas Pueblo tail-water chances are that there will be fish on all sides of the structure. Treat each section as a different “hole”, and keep moving in circles around the structure making various casts. Be sure to move your body to stand in the best position as possible to make the best cast and drift. Sometimes I cast up and across, down and across and every angle in-between. Fly fishers can become impatient and make casts from places where they have no business casting. Take the time to take up the best position and set up the best cast. Be strategic. Stalk and plan. Move.

Many of these structures hold fish downstream of the boulders,(which is obvious to most fly fishers) but also along the sides,  and in front of (upstream), and in-between. Try to systematically cover every drift line. Some of the drifts will be short others will be longer depending on the structure and the drift line. Be sure to hit the seam lines in-between faster and slower currents created by the boulders. When it comes to fishing seam lines, often the difference of a few inches makes a huge difference. Once again, fish these seam lines thoroughly. If you are not hooking fish make adjustments such as the amount of weight or the type of nymphs.

Often beginners make the mistake of NOT fishing in front of the boulders or upstream of the boulders as this approach seems to defy logic. We usually think of a rock structure as only providing a break for the fish that lie behind or downstream of the boulders. But in reality, the hydraulics can be such that a fish can lie in front of the boulder and be in a good lie. Also, by being in front those fish have first shot at the food that is coming their way. I have caught some of the biggest fish by fishing in front of the boulders or upstream of the boulders. I learned how to do this effectively years ago on the Taylor River tail-waters where monster trout lay in front of the boulders. But realize that you can’t just run your nymphs straight into the rocks. Know where your flies are through out the drift and know when it is time to pick up and cast again before you snag. With some experience you quickly learn to wait to the last second to pick up right before you hit the rocks. Or, better yet, the fish takes the fly at the last second before you hit the rocks. . 

Have fun!  This is the essence of fishing the edge. This is nymph fishing to structure and problem solving at it’s best.

Extending Invisibility While Fly Fishing: Techniques for Stalking Big Wary Trout

Wallace Stegner was remembered for saying, “You don’t go to the wilderness to find something, you go there to disappear.”

In some ways this is what the fly fisher tries to do. To disappear. To not be visible to the fish. Big wary fish learn to pick up on cues that danger might be coming. The fly fisher’s task is to take the cues away. Make the system as invisible as possible. I have made these “invisible adjustments” to hook big fish on the Platte, Taylor, Frying Pan, Blue, San Juan and the Green Rivers.

When I am stalking big wary trout I try to disappear. Not just me, but also my gadgets; rod, line, leader.  I stand back. I try not to wave my rod over the fish. I do not mend the line when the line is near the fish. I stack mend the line far upstream of the fish so the fish will not see the disturbance made by mending. My mends are made partially at the end of the cast in mid-air, (reach mend cast) and then again as soon as the system lands on the water. After that point in time, the system drifts, usually drag free, and “fly first” without any additional disturbances.  

There are other ways to extend invisibility. Long leaders not only allow better drifts but they also extend invisibility by moving the flies farther away from the thicker more visible fly line. When I am fishing for big trout I take my strike indicator off and try to just watch the fish. I also increase the distance between the two flies I am using and extend the distance away from the weight, as the weight could be warning cue to a fish. All of these adjustments I have learned to make came from years of observing fish often move away from my more visible systems. “Failure” provides important data.  And then when the adjustments were made and I extended my invisibility I had the satisfaction of watching big fish take the fly.   

What else can we make invisible? Use the finest tippet you think you can get away with using to land that big fish you are stalking.  Clear fly line?  There are a few clear floating fly lines on the market.  Reviews are mixed but I will be trying one out next week.

Bottom line: Make your self invisible. And as you are stalking that huge trout you might realize that this might be one other way that fly fishing can become spiritually therapeutic for us. In the midst of such intense focus of the task at hand, and overwhelming beauty, we vanish.  We disappear, at least for little while.  

Below is a picture of a large Rainbow caught on the Blue this past weekend. The fish took a size 22 black beauty. Notice I am not in the picture. Invisible. 

Trico Trick (4): When You Can't See Your Fly, Guess! (Or, Learn to Guess Better)

Sometimes while fishing the Trico hatch I lose the fly. I just can’t find it on the water. But I catch a lot of fish by guessing. But it is not just guessing. I try to make somewhat logical guesses.  If you also lose your fly here are a few tricks.

 A well known trick is to use a larger lead fly so that you can spot the bigger and more visible fly. Keep in mind that your second fly, which is smaller and more true to the size of the naturals (but often not visible), will be somewhere in the immediate area of the first fly. I tell my clients, “Ok, follow a pizza pie size piece of water around your first fly, drifting down;  if you see a rise anywhere inside that pizza, strike.”  Or, you can use the first fly like a strike indicator. If it dips under, strike.  But keep in mind, (and this is perhaps a lesser known trick), if your trick of using a larger fly stops working you might have to take it off and only use the smaller fly. Every year toward the end of summer I have noticed that these trout will wise up to the use of a large attractor fly. It literally can scare fish away in the same way that large strike indicators can. So when the fish get tough, I go smaller and use other tricks. 

If after you cast and you can’t find your fly on the water try to guess about where it is “supposed to land” and follow that “piece” of water down with your eyes. Zoom in on a group of bubbles and follow it down.  If you see a rise in that piece of water, then strike. I have had some success asking my clients to look for the leader in mid air before it lands on the water. It seems this helps them better know where to look. It also helps if you shorten your casts!!!!!!! I probably say it a thousand times a season, “Shorten up your cast. Find your fly."  

I have also noticed that when a fish takes the artificial fly from the surface, often the rise makes a “greater disturbance” than the other fish that are taking naturals. I think this might be because the fish senses the leader or the hook and they kind of panic a little bit and make a “greater disturbance”. I just know that often while guiding others (or even fishing myself) and I see this “greater disturbance” , a more dramatic rise, but we cannot actually see the fly,  I will yell, strike, and often a fish is on.

Learn to use a parachute and reach mend cast. I will not take the time here to explain these casts but I am sure you can look them up on the internet. Both of these casts basically involve pulling the leader back at the last second allowing the fly and leader to slowly float down to the surface. With such a landing it is actually quite easy to see the end of your leader and your fly and where it is going to land and therefore it is easier to spot.

If you learn to use these reach mend and parachute casts, not only will you be better able to spot your fly but you will better be able to see how you are achieving a nearly perfect drift so the fish sees the FLY FIRST and not the leader because the leader will be upstream of the fly. These “FLY FIRST” presentations are by far my most effective casts. It is the best trick that I know.

Why Are the Trout Not Rising (all that much) to Trico's in Eleven Mile Canyon (fly Fishing Report)

The fish are just not rising in Eleven Mile Canyon; at least not as they have in past years. Of course some of us are finding rising fish in certain runs on certain days and the dry fly fishing can be spectacular, but overall there is no comparison to what we have experienced in years past where it seemed like every fish in the entire river was up top sipping in bugs with their dorsal fins sticking out of the water. .  

By simply paying attention to the trico hatch over the decades my best guess involves perhaps several factors that involve energy efficiency.  There seems to be some innate “formula” that a trout uses to determine if it is energy efficient to rise to the tricos. A certain amount of energy is wasted as a trout moves to rise and suck in the bugs from the surface. Higher flows, as we have seen recently, can cause a fish to waste more energy than it is worth, and so, with an abundance of food being swept below the surface in the form of larvae, nymphs and annelids it makes “energy” sense to stay low and feed.

Visibility of the small tricos in the higher more turbulent water may also be a factor. It is just difficult for the fish to see the bugs when the current is up higher. If the trout are having a hard time finding the bugs (and keep in mind they need to eat  lots of them) once again it is just not worth it in terms of energy expenditure.

The fact that Eleven Mile Reservoir seems to be “turning over” which involves an algae bloom causing the river to be slightly off color also compounds the visibility issue. Since we are dealing with such small micro calorie bugs it seems that it does not take much to up-set the energy balance of the trout. In other words it does not take much to make it not worth the effort to feed on top trying to find tiny bugs.

Risk is also a factor. Why risk going up top to chase micro calorie tricos when the fish can lay low and feed more safely? This issue of risk may also be connected to the large number of fishermen pounding the water every morning. Are the fish simply avoiding danger? Ten to 15years ago, a short article appeared in the Denver Post titled, “The Pelican Brief”, which suggested that the fish no longer rise much in South Park because of the pelican population. Could the trout be learning to avoid fly fishermen swinging their hooks on the surface?

I think all of these variables are coming into play at once. I remember last year even with the super high  flows I had some of the best trico dry fly action at the “island hole” just below the first of the “double tunnels”. Fish were on the rise all over that run. But this year, even with a lesser flow, the fish are not rising there. So that makes me think the slightly off color is a significant variable.

I am hopeful that when the water clears up and drops we will see more fish on the rise. 

But keep in mind that as we see more fish on the rise we will also see even more fly fishers and that increase may become the more significant variable.  The issue of the fish rising or not rising makes me aware of the delicate balance within the ecosystems we fish. Small changes can have significant impacts. We should try to remember this basic ecological principle every time we step into the river and try to remember how we may play a big part impacting any ecosystem we fish.