When Fish and Some Other Important Things Elude Us

Some things still elude me.

One would think that after 5o plus years of spending the holidays together with family, (such as the Thanksgiving that just past), I would find such a time together as fun, easy and meaningful. I tend to think of family time together as being the way I picture it being in my mind before stepping on the plane.

But, most often it is not. Things are not as they should be.

In, “A River Runs Through It”, Normam Maclean states it this way, “It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us.” No doubt Norman Maclean wrote these words thinking of his brother with whom he could not communicate when it came to discussing the most important issues. When I read those words, I also think of those family members I love but seldom communicate the way we should.

I do not offer any advice for such matters.  I am just sharing this simple fact and wonder if there is anyone else out there who often, or at least at times, feels the same way.

And how was the bass fishing in Florida?  Well, those large mouth Bass that I usually find quite easy to catch and should know how to catch, they too, eluded me.

What is Our Day to Day Experience of Living in the World?

This is a question I have pondered for decades. I do wonder if we really are “not of this world”,  even as He is not of this world, (and I believe those words to be true), then what is our day to day experience as we  try to engage in life. My thought is that we would have an on going awareness (however slight at times, yet persistent), that we are from somewhere else and that we are merely strangers and aliens living in a foreign land. It seems to me that we would most often have some level of “disconnect”, even as we try to connect.

My main interest at this time is not to discuss morality. I am not interested in bickering over what we should do and what we should not do but rather my focus is on the inner experience. I keep asking, “What do I truly feel as I live each day”?  I wonder what others feel?  I know many understand this piece of theology but does our day to day experience support it.

I think of lines from a poem by William Stafford. The poem’s opening lines presents the dilemma of being somewhat disoriented in the world.

“If you were exchanged in the cradle , and your mother died and you don’t know who your father is, and no one told you the story of what happened….” 

Perhaps, metaphorically,  part of that story is that we are orphans in the world.  And when the trials come in the form of wind and rain we feel outside the crowds of people.

“And when the great wind comes and the robberies of the rain and you stand on the corner shivering and you watch the people go by and you wonder at their calm.”

I know I often do this. I watch people. They seem more connected to each other than I am. “I wonder at their calm”, their apparent easiness.

And as I watch these people and feel disconnected I also realize that they, “miss the whisper then runs every day in my mind”.

And that whisper is a question I ask myself, “Who are you really wanderer?”

“And the answer I have to give no matter how cold and dark and dreary the world around me is,  maybe I’m a king”.

Now, I know I am not a king. But I do know there is some divine royalty in my blood  and that just might be why I can’t quite belong and feel at home.  

Considering Other Explanations for the Faith Experience

My own faith is sometimes strengthened by not dismissing other rational options for why I believe as I do.

I consider the possibility that my faith might simply be wishful thinking on my own part. Maybe it is simply a defense mechanism. Maybe life seems too harsh to not believe in something beyond myself.

Or maybe when I think I feel God, it is simply the good feeling I get from seeing a beautiful sunrise or from any other pleasant experience and it has nothing to do with what we call “God”. What  I feel as “God” is merely my projection.

Or maybe when I look at life events and it seems like they have occurred in some divine sequence and for some divine reason,  I have to be open to the possibility that the events were simply random.

Or maybe I have to be open to the possibility that I am delusional. 

There is a wonderful scene in the movie “Contact”.   Judy Foster plays the role of a scientist (Ellie) who has studied and wondered her whole life about other life in the universe. At the climax of the movie she finds herself being questioned by a panel of investigators and scientists as she tries to hold on to a wild experience of having gone on a journey to the center of the galaxy where she encountered something that was beyond her.  But her story just does not make any rational sense and “strains credibility” as she is questioned. She is asked:

“So, is it possible that it just did not happen ?  She replies, “Yes, I must concede that, as a scientist, I must volunteer that.” (Those at the hearing gasp at her honesty to admit that this whole story may not have taken place).

“So, you admit that you do not have a shred of evidence for your story and that it may just have been a hallucination ?  She again, replies firmly, “Yes”.

“And you realize that if you were in our shoes you would be just as skeptical?  She again completely agrees, “Yes.

After these responses the investigator becomes furious demanding she withdraw her testimony of having experienced some other world,  He yells, “Then why don’t you with draw your testimony and concede that this journey to the center of the galaxy never took place”? 

With tears she passionately responds, “Because I can’t. I had an experience I can’t prove let alone even explain. But everything I know as a human being tells me it was real. Everything that I am tells me it was real. I was given something wonderful that has changed me forever”.

For me, this honest response and consideration of challenging my own experiences of the divine, is a process that can lead me to a deeper and more genuine faith. I have to concede to the possibility that my experiences of the divine could have been nothing but a delusion. There is the very real possibility that events I credit to the divine can be nothing more than my own wishful thinking.  But,  I know that by considering the possibility of other explanations for my faith experiences I am remaining authentic and without a "personal agenda", to prove something to others or myself.   If I have to ignore certain obvious facts and other possible explanations and basically lie to myself then my faith cannot be very strong or have much integrity to it.

But when I am asked by others (or even by myself)  to take back my whole life story and experience and concede to the argument that  it never happened,  like Jody Foster, I  too have to say, “I can’t”.  I can concede to the foolishness of my faith but I cannot say it never happened. I also have to say, “Everything I know as a human being tells me it was real; every thing I am tells me it was real. I was given something wonderful that has changed me forever”.

To me this is being authentic. I can be open to other possibilities and explanations for my faith experience but that also most definitely  includes the possibility that some  thing wonderful and divine did actually take place  And I too know that  I cannot go against “everything I am inside” in order to not believe.

For that would be the greatest act of close mindedness.

Fine Fall Day on Pueblo's Arkansas River Tailwater

How rich am I to have daughters who actually want to spend time with me enjoying a day out fly fishing on Pueblo's Arkansas River tail-water? It was such a beautiful warm fall day and I was able to even wet wade. We all talked about how wonderful it is to get outside (as opposed to sitting around the house), waiting for the work or school week to begin again on Monday.

In spite of recent bad fishing reports we found the  fishing to be good today as we hooked up with a good number of rainbows and a few browns on copper johns and RS2's. There was one VERY LARGE brown that we almost landed but that is a story for another day.

To My knees: For A Big Brown

Few things bring me to my knees. I am careful in what I bow down to.

But when I saw a 25 inch Brown Trout with a caped jaw cruising the shallows just a few feet off the bank, I went down to my knees so I would not be seen.

The cast would be short but challenging given the sensitivity of a large Brown in shallow clear water. I could clearly see the fish moving along the bank occasionally sipping in a midge. There was no time to re-rig. My chewed up, 'cut and pasted',  leader would have to do.  No time to plan or practice cast.  I had to make a gentle and accurate cast with what I already had tied on to my 5x fluorocarbon tippet. The first fly was a size 18 copper john and the bottom fly was a size 22 gray RS2.  Why not, I thought?  I have to go with what I have on.

I thought of the old Iron John tale where by the soon to be hero decided to go to battle in the last hour. There was no time to prepare. All he had was a lame donkey. It could only hobble at best. But, he went. He acted.  He had to go with what he had.

I too acted with my lame leader and rusty casting skills. But I scored a bull’s eye as I hit the target exactly in front of the moving fish. He opened his jaws to the tiny RS2. I lifted and the Brown exploded with powerful surges straining the 5x tippet.  Back and forth we wrestled.  I was careful to not put too much pressure on the tiny hook or fine tippet.  I finally emerged the “victor", even with a "lame" hook and  leader. And, even with I, a somewhat lame fly fisherman.